How to be a good bike passenger

Being a good pillion isn’t easy but it’s important to avoid you both hitting the road

Riders and pillions. It’s a dangerously, delicate on-road dance.

Ever tried to circumnavigate a roundabout with a wiggling, wired pillion? It usually ends with your beloved motorcycle eating asphalt. There is much to consider as the koala who is riding the human who is riding their two-wheeling chariot. It’s not something we talk about a lot – how to be a good pillion – but anyone who hops on the back of a motorcycle is at risk so should they probably have a quick think about how not to die.

What not to do as a pillion

Knowing what not to do is critical to making sure you both end your ride smiling

Try not to smack your pilot in the head with your helmet. This is possibly one of the most difficult things to avoid due to inertia and braking. Brace when your rider looks to be braking to help avoid this, you can’t always predict when braking will occur thus the regular helmet collisions. However, if your pilot is being rude or riding dangerously you are legally (don’t quote me on that) allowed to head butt your captain.

Where are your feet? Find those foot pegs. It’s surprising how many freshly helmeted pillions easily mistake an exhaust system or even a swing arm for a foot peg – especially after a few chardys. I’ve lost track of the number of pillions I’ve seen with big fat exhaust burns, bubbling up on their calf. I’d like to say you only do that once, but I’ve seen numerous reoffenders.

Do not shove your helmet where the rider is looking when they are undertaking a traffic head check. This blocks vision at a crucial moment where your fearless leader may be trying to change lanes.

Refrain from putting your feet down. Especially, if you are taking a turn, do not stick your leg out to keep yourself upright because the road is getting way too close. This will throw the balance of your chariot and captain out and you may end up snacking on asphalt. Or walking home. My mum did this once to my brother while she was on the back. That was her last pillion ride.

Do not stay sitting up straight when your rider is taking a turn. They need you to lean with them for the bike to make it around the corner.

Do not be rubber necking over your riders shoulders to see what’s ahead. This will tip the whole ship off balance.

High heels. Risky. To be fair I’ve never ridden in high heels because most people can’t walk in high heels yet alone ride in them – even as a pillion. There’s a good chance a smear of whatever plastic your heels are made of, will end up on somewhere hot, like the pipes. And will fill your nostril with the smell of the wrong kind of burning rubber, a lose lose situation for everyone.

What have you got dangling? Clothes, scarves, phone lanyards, tassels… whatever you’ve got, tuck them away or risk a possible choke hazard, a busted chain and filthy angry captain.

What to do as a pillion

A good pillion isn’t just a passenger but actually helps the rider

Stay relaxed and remember to trust your pilot. If you can’t trust them, you should eject yourself from the motorcycle as soon as safely possible. And then order an Uber.

What to do with your hands? This is awkward, especially if you’re two big burly blokes on one 250cc motorcycle. It’s best to place your hands on your captain’s jacket pockets. Or if the bike has them, grab the sidebars.

Warn cars you’re coming through. This is more appropriate in third world countries where it’s a bit lawless. You can never be seen too much on a motorcycle. Especially now that texting while driving is rife.

Shoo away any chasing dogs. This is also, more applicable in third world countries but still very appropriate in some rinky-dink rural Aussie towns and properties you may ride through or may accidentally be trespassing on.

So, are you feeling qualified? It’s a hefty checklist but your trusted moto skipper will thank you. You’re a team player now, time to get serious. If the ship goes down, no one escapes.

Happy pillioning!