Roland Dane: What's cool and uncool

Let’s have some fun!

There’s plenty of serious stuff going on in the automotive world here at the moment with the increasingly heated debate raging on in regard to the New Vehicle Efficiency Standard. I’ll certainly revert to that topic soon, but in the meantime cast your memory back to the heady days of Top Gear (the full blooded UK version) and its ‘Cool Board’.

Uncool

All the petrol powered American trucks, Ram 1500, Silverado 1500, Ford F-150 and Toyota Tundra. Why? Because they’re increasingly irrelevant in this market, they take up too much road; and parking space; weigh too much, thereby increasing road wear and tear; and use too much fuel. Furthermore, if you want to use the full towing capacity they offer, the payloads are tiny. Anytime fuel prices really go north, these Utes are going to be parked up and as useful as an EV in the Simpson Desert. And that will be very Uncool.

Range Rover Sport. Why? Because it’s overweight and driven by city-based real estate agents. That alone makes it Uncool. Land Rover’s unenviable reliability record may or may not have been improved for this latest model, time will tell, but anyone who really needs a vehicle of this size has other, far more practical, choices. The RR Sport is a city-based phallic symbol on wheels.

Mitsubishi Outlander. Why? Because it’s increasingly the car of choice for Uber drivers. It actually works pretty well in that environment, but who wants to be waved down all the time by hopeful punters thinking that their ride-hailing driver has arrived? It also feels like a cheap car. What we would have called “tinny” in the old days. Leave it to the Uber crowd. Very Uncool for a retail punter.

Ford Ranger Raptor. Why? Because it’s a posers Ute. It uses far more fuel than a Wildtrak, can’t take as much payload and it’s towing capacity is only 2500kgs. It costs more and does less. Who really needs a 400hp Ute in Australia? The Raptor is a modern day HSV Maloo or FPV Super Pursuit, and sells in far greater numbers than they did, so congratulations to Ford for their marketing prowess, but see Cool for the alternative.

Mercedes Benz EQS SUV. Why? A three ton electric vehicle that costs $200k and delivers, apparently, 480kms of range isn’t, to me, the direction that cars should be taking. There’s nothing Cool in using the planet’s finite resources to make something like this. Mercedes have an E-Class Wagon in Europe with a plug-in hybrid powertrain that weighs the thick end of a ton less than the EQS, has over 100km of pure electric range and takes a similar load of people and paraphernalia. It’s no contest as to which vehicle is more suitable for this market and yet, MB Australia brings in a behemoth that sells in tiny numbers whilst ignoring the E-Class Wagon completely.

Cool

Toyota Landcruiser 300. Why? It’s astonishing to see what a great job Toyota have done in convincing their customer base that they don’t need a V8 anymore. All credit to them for producing such a robust, and timeless update with the latest Landcruiser. Along with the Isuzu MU-X, it’s outselling every other SUV (I don’t count anything smaller than the FCAI SUV Large segment as being an SUV), going out of the door at the rate of 1,500 per month. And that’s at a far higher average price point than the MU-X. The 300 will hold its value better than anything in its class and continues to be as much at home in Mossman as in Longreach. It’s Cool because it’s utterly classless and is highly functional. If Toyota get a move on and attach hybrid capability (with 100kms of range) to the diesel V6 engine, then they’ll knock it out of the park, regardless of any NVES rules.

Chevrolet 2500HD. Why? This a real tool of trade, with its mighty V8 diesel engine and real life towing capacity coupled with a proper payload capability. It does a job that other, smaller, Utes simply cannot do. This is no show pony, but a genuine vehicle for rural Australia and it’s bought by punters who appreciate its qualities and inevitably use them. That’s Cool. This is what all American Utes that come to Australia should be. Plus a used 2500HD will be worth good money forever exactly because it’s such a great workhorse.

Skoda Octavia Wagon. Why? It’s a proper wagon, not a so-called SUV, and is the best of all the Golf-sized cars in the VW group. The Octavia is totally unpretentious, as is the Skoda badge. Long gone are all the old Skoda jokes that emanated from Europe in the 1970s and ’80s. Furthermore, the Skoda factory in the Czech Republic has an enviable reputation for very-high build quality. And the RS variant is a highly underrated performance car in this market. A car for people who know about cars and don’t give a **** about image. A Cool car.

Porsche 718 Cayman. Why? Because it’s a proper Porsche for people who want a great handling car rather than a badge. The Cayman is still a small car, whereas a 911 just keeps on growing. This is the modern iteration of the Carrera 2 of 30 years ago, but better. Even in four-cylinder form it’s fast enough and can be had with a manual gearbox. Unbelievable in this day and age and very Cool! Long may the Cayman continue with an internal combustion engine.

Ford Ranger Wildtrak. Why? This is the real person’s Ranger. A great looking ute, with a proper, six-cylinder diesel engine and therefore a much better everyday range per tank than the Raptor. It’s got a more than adequate 250hp, the sort of power (and torque) that we’d have dreamt of only a decade or so ago. It tows a ton more than the Raptor, carries more in the load bay and, with the extra torque, especially lower in the rev range, gets the real jobs done when the driver of the Raptor has stopped for a latte. In five years time, this will be the most sought after ute in the secondhand market. Smart is Cool, and the Wildtrak is the smart choice.

Coolness is in the eye of the beholder! But there are some points above that need to be made, amongst the ramblings of this pensioner. Hope you enjoyed the read.